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Originally Posted by TRNRMOM
i've read your reply to me several times before this reply to you; my husband early on thought that it was me who needed fixing and he went willingly, only to find that he had to own much responsibility (mainly step-kid issues years ago) but if he and i found what i called a speed bump in our marriage and i suggested counseling for a third party to intervene, he went willingly and has always worked on trying to resolve our issues rather than blame. we went thru the mirroring exercises and i guess we love each other enough and want this marriage to last, that we both put forth the effort to resolve, with or without a therapist. it does not sound like your hubby is willing to put forth the effort of therapy after several therapists decided not to see him (that should be a major red flag) yet i do not feel it gives him license and free will to talk down to you, dismiss you, or treat you `less than' and prob. once you decide to confront him about his abusive words or actions (which might be new behavior on your part) his abusive statements and put downs will escalate; but i would never allow my husband to treat me this way and maybe if he doesn't like your unwillingness to take his ongoing abuse, well, then just walk away from him...go to another room and tell him you no longer will allow him to put you down, or if you need to leave the house, do so. he sounds like an angry man who doesn't want to be in the wrong or be told what to do, and he may never change...so it's up to you to decide whether you will continue to accept his words/actions, or find alternative ways to deal with him...maybe ask him how he would feel if you constantly criticized him about who he is as a man, a parent, a worker, a son, and get him to really think about that question; maybe in his past he was criticized by a parent growing up or gets criticized at work; i'm just throwing things out there but if you have children, he certainly isn't modeling good behavior and those children will pick up on the dynamics between you and him...keep me posted and good luck.
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Thank you again TRNRMOM.
You understand a lot. Of course I have to explain my side & you know that and I am glad of that and I will explain more.
There is one thing I should have explained in my last reply: I have often spoken up to him as well as freezing up in shock, fear & ignorance. So I am not totally passive. At times I can even make a stand and tell him so or insist on doing what I think I should (he doesn't like that as he wants me to obey him & has said so and has said he is head of the household - note, he is not religious at all though, but I am.) I have had to work on being assertive with him & I suddenly realized that the morning after the wedding when he was very nasty to me (but I couldn't work out why). I have had a lot of fear about talking to or dealing with him and have had to work on that. He is very judgmental, punitive & sure his perspective is the one truth. He sits on grievances because I have opposed him & can retaliate. He does not talk openly & work as a team. He would have made me have a nothing life if I had let him. There is so much I could say.
He often says things that seem very inaccurate to me but he is very sure about himself. He has woven stories & scripts about me that are not true or are skewed away from reality & aren't updated over the decades of our marriage and that he keeps bringing up to justify a claim he is making about me such as that I don't want to contribute financially. He says them to me even though I know what is the truth. Maybe he fabricates what happened and doesn't realize that he does? But, though I know they are false, somehow I come to doubt my truth and my self confidence is constantly shaken. But I have come a long way in not trying to explain to him as that never works and also leaves me vulnerable to his emotional attacks and diversions.
His patterns of behaviour are typical of what is described in books on abuse such as by Lundy Bancroft and Patricia Evans and more recent ones. I have quite a library of abuse books and am currently rereading them more intensively again now that I have retired & have more time. The more balanced ones can be such a help.
About the matter of saying things that impact on him, I am not sure that I generally have much impact. Mostly I have to go ahead and do things he doesn't want me to do in matters that seem to indicate to me that that is what I should do. But I can have an impact such as when he was yelling at our first child when he was teething for the first time & very upset. My husband started shouting "Shut up" repeatedly at him & I just locked down & faced him off & told him the fact & that he was behaving wrongly. He did stop doing that and actually was a big help in carry him around & patting him, etc.
I am often am so confused about him because I don't know if he is autistic or anti-social. But his behaviour certainly has many negative attributes and I know I "inherited" him like this. His family has related issued in different presentations & combinations. His oldest brother seems to have made it his mission to torment me. I think he is just a jerk.
My children are all in their twenties and, yes, they have been negatively affected. He does a lot for them as has always been the case, making them dependent and the more selfish ones just use him. He has put me on the sidelines with the children. When they were young, he wanted me to be their servant and now he wants me to be his servant. But at the same time I am glad they have his assistance such as with cars & household maintenance. I think our son may be becoming selfish like him & he also can be unpleasant but not abusive. They are all pretty selfish actually & I have had to let go & settle for what good goes on.
Apart from my being busy & unwell now, a problem in my communicating with this site is that we are in opposite time zones.