Being out of control is very unpleasant and painful. But it's necessary in order to learn how to stay in control. It's "us" that's out of control, not someone else or something alien in us. It's all part of a process, not a personal indictment of us when we're out of control.

Babies have to learn to sleep through the night, to regulate and soothe themselves to sleep (that's what all the crying is about at first). Learning anything takes time and effort on the part of the person who wants to learn it. That we weren't taught by our caretakers or environments to help ourselves stay in control and manage our feelings rationally when we were growing up just means we have to learn those lessons now.

It helps me to think "school" rather than "illness" or that I'm an idiot or another person is giving me a hard time, etc. The other person may or may not be out of control, may or may not be having a hard time but I can only deal with what I am feeling and experiencing and what I want for myself and my own actions.

When there is a problem, with a bill or something I've purchased breaks, etc., I get anxious because I get really really angry. I know I have to go talk to someone and get whatever the problem is corrected, but I get tangled up and afraid I'm not going to be understood. I don't listen well to what others tell me either so, even if they're trying to help, have an idea or suggestion or way to help solve the problem, I don't hear it. I'm so anxious worrying about my own behavior, fearing my own anger and that I'll kill someone :-) that I have trouble even figuring out how to start a conversation! Sometimes I just go for the jugular straight out and hope the other person can deal and that somehow, magically, the problem will get solved and I won't be anxious and angry anymore.

I still remember, in about 1978, my car had 2 or 3 major things that needed fixing. It took the dealer all day and my girlfriend, on the way to another appointment of her own, took me by the car place to pick mine up, only wanting to stay long enough to know I had gotten my car. I went and paid; something like $400, even more in those days than now, and went to get my car. It hadn't been touched. The light switch was still hanging down in the cabin, wires out like we'd left it; we opened the hood and there was no indication that anything had been replaced (probably tune up). I went into the service manager, opened my mouth and burst into angry tears. I couldn't talk at all. My girlfriend had to sort of try to tell the guy what the problem was (she didn't know the extent of what I was having done). Here I had the work papers saying what all they'd done, I had paid for it, and they literally had not touched the car all day. Needless to say, they needed another day to complete the work but the manager did put someone "right on it". It was the dealer I'd bought the car from so I never went there again and badmouthed them every time I could the rest of my life. For some reason, that dealer's no longer in business, no thanks to me though :-)

The point? (Yes, I have one I think) Thirty years ago I couldn't even speak, knew better than to try. Now I solve problems daily, sometimes poorly but, for the most part, with a "civil tongue in my head" (one of my brother's expressions from when we were in high school). I still get anxious a lot but not nearly as intensely as I use to. I can sometimes catch myself expecting someone else to mindread and correct the problem on the spot; you should see how I edit what I'm typing here at PC, replacing "it" with specific nouns ("the problem" :-) I'm always proud of myself when I do that, I know how far I've come.

Krazibean, I've learned a great deal from you and would like to thank you. You tried something new, it didn't work out as you expected, you lost your nerve, you calmed yourself down and regained yourself. I watched that whole cycle and can remember it for my own use. First, it's a cycle. It's like clouds and rain and evaporation making more clouds and more rain :-) It's a natural thing and that, to me, is comforting. You are not a "freak" who "freaks out". You are like me, like everyone else. The unexpected and unwanted makes you anxious. "Now what the heck am I supposed to do?" we ask. If we, in addition to being confronted by the unexpected and unwanted, have not had much experience yet in experiencing the unexpected and unwanted and recovering from it, that just compounds our experience :-) Of course one "freaks out"! If we didn't, there'd be something wrong with us!

How do you like that argument? Not bad, huh?