i've returned from errands and saw you responded. i know every relationship is different and we all have different reasons for staying or leaving....and you certainly have received many heartfelt responses from others...i interpret that you have decided to stay and are trying to figure out the best way to survive; no way are you thriving and finding any type of happiness under these long-standing marital issues which don't seem to get resolved since he shows no indication that he wants to resolve/change/give you some piece of mind and this behavior has been repeated and ongoing for many years...i do ask if you are a volunteer or victim (you may be both) as i don't see any indication that you desire to leave and are asking for encouragement from us anonymous posters...how horrid (from my standpoint and perception) is that it seems you are wanting to figure out how you can best manage HIS behavior, all the while giving up more of your self-esteem and confidence from someone who always seems to keep you guarded and off guard...there's some kind of payoff in this dynamic between you two (and i'm certainly no therapist but have had a lot of therapy). i do not know how you can live like this but i offer you only support and hugs cause there is no way i would allow a man, especially a man who is my husband, to treat me `less than' for so many many years...so on that level, you are a lot stronger than me to put up with such abusive behavior and now watching your kids becoming him...seems like such a tragedy.