Hello Forum,

So I’ve been in a relationship with a girl for almost 4 years which has been a mix of wonderful and tough all at the same time. She has her own issues as well, but I am here more to discuss my own issues. As of about a week and a half ago, we went no contact at my request. Not really because I wanted to but because I was involved in a legal matter with my children and was basically told by my lawyer that I had too. This is not something I wanted by any stretch of the imagination but was basically told that at this point, there was no other way to get things resolved without having a huge battle that would have costs thousands and lasted a long time. So I cut ties and it is killing me. I cant help but feel it is the wrong thing to do.

With my time alone though I have spent hours about hours obsessing over the relationship, what could I have done differently, how I could've handled things differently, things like that. My ex does have BPD and she is therapy for it. I do definitely see some progress on her side, and I was always impressed when I saw her do things differently. I was truly proud of her and her hard work. But back to my side, in the last several weeks I have been racking my brain to figure things out, because I know I was always part of the problem too and I have worked with a psychologist and come down to accepting that I have become very codependent in this relationship. some of this is due to just who I am and the fact that I hate being alone, but also partly because I know during the start of the relationship I didn't act like a codependent but rather I behaved very narcissisticaly. It wasn't until about a year and half ago that I really saw my behavior and realized what I had been doing to us and started to make a change. That guilt that flowed through from my actions just made me work harder and harder to do anything to repair the damage. All I wanted to do is make her happy and I have ultimately broken myself here in the process. Given, the past was always thrown in my face or brought up, but in my head, that was the price I had to pay for being a ****** partner and this girl meant the world to me, so Id rather have it thrown in my face and take my licks, than lose her.

Well I lost her anyways in the end. Everyday I want to reach out to her. I miss her a tremendous amount and my head literally feels like its going to explode with thoughts. But I don’t reach out. I dont reach out because I am scared that maybe me being codependent is stopping her from making progress in her recovery. Maybe I was the reason for some of the mood swings. Maybe I didn't set good boundaries which caused fights, and maybe I was doing everything wrong. Trust me when I say that I love this girl with every fiber of my being and the only thing that holds me from being with her, is that I want her to be happy and I don’t want to be part of the reason she doesn't make progress, or relapses. I know she loves me very deeply too and she is moving forward in whatever way she is going to cope with things, which is fine but its literally killing me with the confusion. Has anyone ever gone though a situation similar? Any advice or thoughts? Coping ideas or maybe even strategies to solve this conundrum. This girl has her flaws and I have mine, but there is nothing in this world that I have ever loved quite the way I love her, and I truly just want to do the right thing.

Thanks