I am so sorry that you've had so many experiences, where people were unsupportive, unkind, and unhelpful towards you. Just as others said here, you are important. Please keep posting, we're here for you.

Sometimes it takes a while to find the support that you need, and I know when there's a sense of desperation, it makes the pain even worse. Do you find journaling helpful, or any kind of "expressive" activity i.e. through a form of art, photography, or a particular interest that makes you feel a little bit better? Not necessarily an activity that has to involve people. It can be solitary, even just temporarily, before joining more things. I understand living alone can be hard. Keeping occupied for now is definitely important when you are feeling so vulnerable in times of stress, while still giving yourself a break. It's going to be day by day, of course.

Even if a small activity just alleviates a small amount of pain or stress, every bit counts.