With no time or place to express my emotions, they cause me physical pain. Realizing this, I think again and again, the phrase, “I have no mouth and I must scream.” I have to get negative feelings off my chest because I am in pain.

Vent: I’m afraid I’ll never shift away from discomfort. I see silver linings, perspective, and I’m grateful, but I am full of sorrow and anger. I try to accept things that feel bad. I need a mother, a father, a physician, a therapist, a higher power...yet I’ve lost them all. Even my best friends can’t commiserate now because they let their lives fall apart and must hunker down to save themselves. I think I’m going to be alright, because I am resilient and I do have love. But I’m not feeling good. I feel pain and grief.

My efforts do not satisfy me lately. I just feel trapped in obligation, and ashamed of what I lack. I’m fed up with petty stuff at work. I am FURIOUS that I feel like I’m walking on eggshells at work. I imagine cursing out the boss, or throwing petty snide and tacky comments back at the bosses. But, I’m trying to be positive and a bleeping professional instead. I feel like I’m being pushed into showing my claws and baring my teeth. I don’t want to risk that. The Office policies describe a positive, mutually respectful environment that is present and fostered in the company. Must be boilerplate language they fetched from the internet. I’ll try to stay positive and to be a straight shooter. One of these days though....I want to be treated like an adult and a valuable person. I don’t want to be nit picked or scapegoated. They’re like bad parents. And I’m no child.

I saw my mother in my dreams. She was wearing a royal blue sweater and she looked healthy and confident. She was thriving without me. I was lost and looking for my husband. She was buying plants.

Because I got a job, we make too much money now and lost my special cancer insurance. I have to pay 400 a month now, plus medication that isn’t all covered and is expensive, plus find a new oncologist. I lost my therapist too. I can’t afford to pay out of pocket for her, and I don’t want to find someone else in network even if I could afford them. I’m losing the very people who saved my life for a job that makes me anxious and susceptible. But, I need a job because it’s more money for us overall. I just don’t have my security blanket of healthcare and therapy anymore. I will need to pick and choose what I can afford..determine what I must do for treatment to fight recurrence. I feel like I’m being stripped bare, though I think that’s not the case.

I’m back to craving...I want to build something beautiful. I want to be cherished. I want clear airways and clean streams. I’m crying a lot while writing this, and I can feel my pain dissipating. I guess I’m grieving. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself or ungrateful, but I am feeling so stripped. I’ve lost and I’m losing all my mother figures. I’m not sure what the remedy is. I won’t go cold. I’ll just stand around metaphorically hugging myself and crying out to strangers for comfort as I’m suffering through growing pains.