Quote:
Originally Posted by TRNRMOM
i've returned from errands and saw you responded. i know every relationship is different and we all have different reasons for staying or leaving....and you certainly have received many heartfelt responses from others...i interpret that you have decided to stay and are trying to figure out the best way to survive; no way are you thriving and finding any type of happiness under these long-standing marital issues which don't seem to get resolved since he shows no indication that he wants to resolve/change/give you some piece of mind and this behavior has been repeated and ongoing for many years...i do ask if you are a volunteer or victim (you may be both) as i don't see any indication that you desire to leave and are asking for encouragement from us anonymous posters...how horrid (from my standpoint and perception) is that it seems you are wanting to figure out how you can best manage HIS behavior, all the while giving up more of your self-esteem and confidence from someone who always seems to keep you guarded and off guard...there's some kind of payoff in this dynamic between you two (and i'm certainly no therapist but have had a lot of therapy). i do not know how you can live like this but i offer you only support and hugs cause there is no way i would allow a man, especially a man who is my husband, to treat me `less than' for so many many years...so on that level, you are a lot stronger than me to put up with such abusive behavior and now watching your kids becoming him...seems like such a tragedy.
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Thanks for replying again, TRNRMOM.
I don't understand those terms, "victim" or "volunteer". I'm not in the US. Maybe these terms are easily understood there and I'm thinking they might have a subtext that I also can't have an idea about. So I can't talk to these terms.
Rather, I think I can best talk from my own reality, as I understand it. And the fact is that I am choosing (volunteering?) to stay with my husband. I have worked hard at achieving a reasonable level of self understanding and making of wise choices. I can't really know how well I have succeeded in this.
In response to a comment you made, I should clarify that I didn't come here "asking for encouragement from us anonymous posters", not how I understand "encouragement" anyway. I came clear in my mind about looking for coping strategies suitable for a person in my situation. I feel sure that there are some relevant good strategies that would help and that is what I am after. I have already learned a lot that I could pass on to somebody who is less experienced & knowlegeable in such matters, but I know I could, theoretically speaking, learn more myself & that doing so might well help me.
And I am not "wanting to figure out how you can best manage HIS behavior." I understand that that is not likely to happen and it is misguided, as Alanon teaches. I don't think I am codependent.
I could use my being unwell as an analogy. Right now I am experiencing a vicious series of cycles of severe arthritic inflammation. A reasonable goal of mine is to come to understand the nature of this process and to do the best I can. An option is not to kill this body that is giving me these challenges. And there are some beneficial things I can do to help myself. Perhaps my approach is covered by The Serenity Prayer & which I think is a profoundly wise guide:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen. (Reinhold Neibhur)