Thanks for replying again, TRNRMOM.

I don't understand those terms, "victim" or "volunteer". I'm not in the US. Maybe these terms are easily understood there and I'm thinking they might have a subtext that I also can't have an idea about. So I can't talk to these terms.

Rather, I think I can best talk from my own reality, as I understand it. And the fact is that I am choosing (volunteering?) to stay with my husband. I have worked hard at achieving a reasonable level of self understanding and making of wise choices. I can't really know how well I have succeeded in this.

In response to a comment you made, I should clarify that I didn't come here "asking for encouragement from us anonymous posters", not how I understand "encouragement" anyway. I came clear in my mind about looking for coping strategies suitable for a person in my situation. I feel sure that there are some relevant good strategies that would help and that is what I am after. I have already learned a lot that I could pass on to somebody who is less experienced & knowlegeable in such matters, but I know I could, theoretically speaking, learn more myself & that doing so might well help me.

And I am not "wanting to figure out how you can best manage HIS behavior." I understand that that is not likely to happen and it is misguided, as Alanon teaches. I don't think I am codependent.

I could use my being unwell as an analogy. Right now I am experiencing a vicious series of cycles of severe arthritic inflammation. A reasonable goal of mine is to come to understand the nature of this process and to do the best I can. An option is not to kill this body that is giving me these challenges. And there are some beneficial things I can do to help myself. Perhaps my approach is covered by The Serenity Prayer & which I think is a profoundly wise guide:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen. (Reinhold Neibhur)