but i'm not.

what is she seeing?

it bothers me.

my previous therapist said this too. but i was posturing with her.

i compulsively posture. i can't open up to my new therapist.

yeah, i could handle them. i can handle most people when i have to. i have a sense of humor. i'm still around.

but i'm just a baby, and i grew up alone in a scary environment. i wish people would see that. sometimes i feel like there's nothing separating the baby me from everyone, but then they don't notice. Sometimes i feel like i'm really small and all my actions are empty and coming from the bottom of a well. sometimes when i don't feel that way, i still relate to people as if i'm cajoling or immaturely advising, as i did to my parents when i was younger. i have to make myself cutesy.

what do people see? it seems to pass as normal. maybe i have such a flat affect because of the depression that cutesy comes across as sarcastic.

i'm sensitive. i cry a lot. i'm not really good at anything. i don't try very hard at anything. i don't know how to do anything. i want help.

also, sorry to be obnoxious about this, but i have positions that people would call "leadership positions," at least in the small pond of the college i'm at. i fed such lies, all this stuff came out of my mouth in the interview. it sounded great. all i have to do is put nice clothes on, and talk about something.

i wonder if my supervisors have seen that i'm not all that great yet. i think they have. but i've never been reprimanded or even corrected much. i don't know how to ask questions much, but i am good at hiding what i don't know and sneakily finding out the answers.

i'm so under the radar sometimes that they didn't notice that they never trained me. i trained myself, and passed the performance review. i am good enough but not great. in my performance review, my supervisor said i am "obviously competent." is the threshold for competence so low? i waver in every decision.

my therapists have often said, "well, you're here," as if i should be proud of that. they say, "you're doing the work." yes, but not as well as i could. i'm just surviving. i could be so much better. take away all the lies and posturing, and i'm the lowest in the world.

maybe i am tough because i know how to be invisible. i know how to survive because i have no dignity. but i don't know what people see. maybe they just see a pathetic attempt and don't tell me. everyone seems indestructible except me.

and i don't think we can chalk this up to the depression. i feel like i'm 12.

lost my train of thought. just wanted to talk and post this. sorry about talking about my job. don't want to be obnoxious.