I think I'm ready for my yearly crisis now. Something to shock me out of being stuck where I am. But I can't have a crisis this year, for a couple of reasons. Have to be responsible for the sake of my jobs, and also I told T that I won't have any this year because it sounds like she isn't prepared to deal with them long-distance without ever having actually met me, so she'd tell me to find someone local. And I can't afford both, and doubt that I could find anyone besides her who would help me. She's the first one I've met who doesn't settle for just good enough to get by, until the next time that is.

I'm zoning out unless something actually requires me not to, like either physical work like loading and unloading a ton of hay essentially by myself, or having to keep a girl at work from attacking people with forks or whatever.

For a while, work provided a break from everything else - I had a purpose and felt ok, at either job. But now it's intruding there too, if things get a little too quiet. I've run out of work to do at my Head Start job, but my boss says she can find plenty that needs to get done. Otherwise I'm sitting there waiting for my phone to ring or something. I have stuff to read (job-related), but I tend to zone out when I do that.

At home, the kids are going to drive me nuts. They want to have friends over, and then they all run around like wild animals, loud, and reckless. Throwing fits if I say no to having friends over (and I made a rule about no visiting if the house is trashed, so I'm not very popular right now). They keep destroying the fences, and then animals get loose. The beautiful, sweet, baby lamb that was born on Christmas was found dead this afternoon. She was fine this morning - no idea what happened.

This afternoon I discovered pieces torn off of my shadow box, that I have had since I was 12 years old - a souveneer from when I lived in Spain. I hadn't gotten it hung up, and my seven-year-old decided to destroy it. When I saw it, I didn't yell and get upset - I just quietly went and found my knife. It doesn't take much lately.

I need to hit the bottom again, so that I can remember what I'm headed for, and bounce off the bottom of the pit, and go on from there. But I don't have time for it. Working more and more. Tomorrow I have both jobs - Head Start 9-2 and the other place 3-10:30. Slowing down would be a bad idea. I wish I dared to visit here from work, but I'm scared of getting caught.

Have a good day tomorrow (and a good night too if you are still up, or even if you're not).