Thank you healingme4me. Thank you for putting so much effort into reading the thread and for sharing your opinion. I love your honesty.

"Frenemies" - that's an interesting word. We certainly can never be friends because we truly are irreconcilably different & what seems to me like "evil" (strange word but it is the best I can think of right now though I have serious dissatisfactions & doubts with it) in him repels me. But I am not into hate. For now, I am striving to live with the "devil" and "to sup with the devil you need a long spoon." I try to have a "long spoon" with him. He seems to want to absorb me & control me & I have constantly thwarted him on that, to his great resentment. I can't work at pleasing him or he will suck me dry & destroy me & take all my resources - and then what, when I am lost & broken & at his mercy? Fortunately there is something in me that resists that but I am not invincible. But the mind and spirit are very powerful & I am working on that.

I edited this to say that I do try to be fair and to cooperate reasonably. He just seems to me to ask for too much and to think unreasonably that he has a right to do so & that I am wrong & all sorts of awful not the be his pawn. It's as if he think what he wants is enough justification. But he does do helpful things & I am sure there are far worse than him.

I've had a few random thoughts that maybe I should leave my money to the kids but I couldn't tell him that so that would achieve only so much. Also I have wondered if a Health Care Directive could be drawn up to say "resuscitate" or maybe I could tattoo it on my chest. I am not particularly paranoid so I try to pay attention to these thought, but I have ended up setting them aside so far. I am certainly under no illusion that he loves me. And he can do things that I consider to be immoral. He doesn't care what I want or feel. I know that now.