It's okay to avoid certain things, it's natural in a lot of instances. But avoidance coping behaviors become maladaptive when they interfere with our lives. I spend the whole day in bed or on the sofa in silence just avoiding the world because I'm afraid of criticism, abuse, pain, judgment, confrontation...too many things. Avoidance behaviors can be useful, like going on a run instead of taking out your anger on a partner. But when they interfere with your ability to communicate, socialize, or be in the world at all - enjoy your life at all - that's when new behaviors need to be learned.

I am also trying to learn that it's okay to disagree with someone and say that I disagree and give my opinion. People can agree with me or not. I am a freelance consultant, and one of my clients also has another consultant, and we disagree on some things. The other consultant keeps trying to get me to agree with her on things that I don't agree with her on, and I won't. The client can hear my opinion and decide which they agree with or which tactic they want to try. I won't be offended. But I'm paid for MY opinion not hers.

Anyways, I keep avoiding confrontation with her when she keeps trying to steamroll over me, but I have to stop.

But that's just one example. I have basically been avoiding my entire life for the last three months. Avoiding my bills, avoiding every person I know for fear of judgment or criticism, avoiding cleaning for fear of self judgment, avoiding exercising because of how far I've slipped and how far I have to come back to being in shape...those are just some examples.

As Pegasus mentioned, I used to use avoidance as a survival skill. I avoided voicing my opinion for fear of retribution. I avoided having my own emotions for fear of punishment. I avoided confrontation for fear that my family members would abuse me. But when you move beyond that abuse dynamic and carry that disordered avoidance thinking into real life, it can spiral out of control, as it has in my life.

I just wondered if avoidance behaviors were having as negative impact on anyone else's life as they were on mine. And how they were overcoming those behaviors. I had thought for a long time that it was depression and overwhelming depression at that. But I wonder if the depression is a misdiagnosis and that it's really the PTSD and GAD that's causing my inaction. I wonder if attempting to treat this depression all this time has been causing me more problems because maybe I'm not really depressed? Maybe it's this crippling anxiety that is really the issue.

Since I've been able to relabel my behavior as avoidance and understand more why I'm avoiding, I've actually been able to make some changes in the past couple of days. I hope I will be able to keep it up. Unfortunately I suffer from PMDD, which is a hormonally caused mood disorder. I don't get swings like bipolar, but I suffer from severe depression and other symptoms during certain periods in my menstrual cycle. I am in the lesser intense period of the cycle so maybe it's allowing me to think clearly. However I also got back on my meds for the PMDD so hopefully this will last and I will continue to improve.

I have mentioned this quote a couple of times in the past few days. But it very much rings true for me at this point:

"Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change." Anthony Robbins

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