Well... I wasn't sure what you meant when you wrote you're not ready to surrender. Does that mean you're not ready to give up the drugs & alcohol yet? If so, then there's probably not much of anything anyone can do for you at this point.

I just read another of your posts where you wrote that you cut yourself for the first time in two years. To me this would seem to be a sign you need help. But I know how it is... I've been there. (To a large extent I guess I'd have to admit I'm still there.)

I don't know if you're seeing a therapist, or participating in any kind of drug & alcohol treatment. But sooner or later, assuming you're not already doing so, you're going to have to reach out, in real life, for the help you need. I offer my best wishes with the hope that you might find the strength to do so.