Null, I completely understood your metaphor and how it related to how you feel about marriage. I went through the same thing. I felt like it was something I could never have or would never be worthy of, so I convinced myself I didn't want. Same with having kids and a family. I was convinced I would never be able to have those things, so I convinced myself that I didn't want them.

I think that's the emotional journey you're talking about being on. Regardless of how well the kid and the car metaphor worked out.

The only thing I can say to overcome this false belief that you don't want it or need it is to simply admit that you, in fact, do want it.

I only just recently admitted it to myself when I realized that the thing I daydream about the most is meeting a kind man that I fall in love with and who loves me back and we get married and have kids. All my life I would never admit to having that kind of fantasy. And what kind of fantasy is that anyways? It's so basic. But for me it seemed like this huge luxury that I could never afford or be worthy of. To me it was more reasonable to expect that I would be CEO of a company and make a 6 figure salary than ever be worthy of someone's love. Or that someone would care about me that much that they would want to make a baby with me.

So I get exactly what you've been through.

Seesaw