I feel sick with depression and this discussion, but I will continue.

@cielpur; I was transgendered, and as a result I have breasts and no testes, cause I had them removed as preparation for sex reassignment surgery.

As a result, my sex drive is dead. I still miss it on occasion, but it's so infrequent and more of a passing thought than anything.

But, sex is something I feel very uncomfortable with. Take away the desire and all that's left are my insecurities about it. I'll be real, I am very small (and feel inadequate) and I am so uncomfortable with any kind of intimacy. Emotional or physical. I would need a woman that can accept that I feel so repulsed by sex and emotional intimacy.

I don't know why I feel this way now. I feel like I'm stuck on my feelings from the past, even if they aren't necessarily relevant now.

TBH, I feel stuck between feeling some times like it would be nice to have someone, to feeling more okay with staying alone.

I was a terrible boyfriend when I dated (it's been 20 years). I was extremely selfish and self-centered and incapable of loving anyone. I was controlling and manipulative and always put myself first.

And yet I still dreamed of finding the one. The perfect love that would never leave. It was just a fantasy, cause real relationships have problems and are a lot of work.

And I'm not really sure I have the emotional endurance for that.

I don't feel good enough. Just like I wasn't good enough for my ex gf's parents.

I haven't dated in 20 years, with the exception of finding my wife on a dating site - and only marrying her cause I felt like I had no other options and didn't want to be alone for the rest of my life. Even though we were only together a couple of months cause it was a huge mistake.

I haven't dated since. I went out with a coworker a couple times last year, with the understanding that it was only as friends, it still allowed me to explore my own insecurities and feelings.

I was so nervous and shaking the whole time, I could barely tolerate it enough to eat my dinner and couldn't make eye contact with her. I kept reassuring myself the entire time that we were just friends, but after 30 min I had to leave cause I couldn't stand it any more.

And I felt SO relieved after I left, and I really felt like I don't want to have to go through that again. It was SO unpleasant for me. And I realized then that I don't want to date or ever have to go through that again. NO THANK YOU.

So I feel like, I'd rather just live with the loneliness. I get along best on my own anyway.

I just still feel hurt some times over how things have turned out, though. And some times it would still be nice to meet her. I just see too many cons with it. So I don't know.