Missing my husband immensely today. I had my son’s class birthday party today, which was difficult as a mother with social anxiety. My husband should have been there to help me. He should have seen his favorite team, the eagles, win the game today and clinch the nfc east. He should be here preparing for Christmas with me. But he’s not and never will be again. I feel like crying.

On top of it I was a terrible mother today. I fell asleep after the party and I didn’t wake up until 6:30pm. So my son didn’t get dinner until 7pm even though he asked for it and I could only get fast food because I didn’t have anything prepared to cook, nor did I have the will to cook anything. I’m turning out just like my mom. The only difference is I’m sleeping on the couch and not in my room. I hate depression. It makes me terrible.

I am convinced I have a compulsive and/or binge eating problem. I think it is due to meds because over the summer when I wasn’t on invega I no longer had the problem. Now that I am on depakote all I do is think about food and I overeat constantly. I hate myself for it. I feel disgusting and don’t understand why I can’t have some sort t of self control. I try so hard and when night comes I end up eating everything. I’m trying to keep binge foods out of the house and keep more veggies and fruits in the house instead. It’s to the point that I’m almost crying thinking about eating, knowing I have to but knowing I won’t be able to stop myself from making bad choices. I feel like an addict.

So I just want to cry about everything right now.