The only compelling reason for me to leave my legacy to my children, in the context of my safety, would be for him to know. But, knowing him, it would not be a good idea to tell him as he would be very angry & would be sure to retaliate. My main reason for sharing that thought with you before was that it had occurred to me as a way to make it less advantageous for him to want me dead. I trust my intuition a lot as "it" can know what my conscious mind does not. I think it is very likely that he would love it if I wasn't around but he knows that he would lose a lot financially if we divorced (or equivalent) as the assets would most likely be split 50-50. Maybe I'm a thorn in his side and therefore he can't resist behaving badly towards me. Not that this would be the whole story as he has always behaved nastily.

I can make a will and not tell him. I do not want a do not resuscitate tattoo or health directive. I want to be resuscitated. I want to be in with a chance. The tattoo would say "Please resuscitate".

I am willing to tolerate his existence & also to be helpful & reasonably pleasant (no nastiness, passive aggression or cold war tactics). My problem is that he is not doing that towards me. He has never been like that towards me & that is not how his brothers treat their spouses or one of them treats me. They are abusive & play abuse games, I presume because they get a kick out of acting like this. It is their mindset though it is not good for the partner or the relationship.

About finances, my husband has always had an issue that a wife should take care of herself. Actually, that applies to everything. I have learned that if I ask him to do anything, even to make me a cup of tea when he is making himself one or to help finish the cooking or serve up a meal, he is resistant & unpleasant. He plays a whole lot of games around the subject of his being asked by me to do something. If I really want his help, I have to be prepared to push for it and to negotiate my way through the maze of the games he throws up, like pretending to be deaf; being irritable; or acting as if he doesn't understand.

Also, there are particulars about our finances over our long marriage that come into play. He bought the house just before we married and would never put it in joint names. So he is free to get a mortgage against it (which he has done to play the sharemarket of travel - he travels often) or sell it. He has a large superannuation whereas I have almost none. I became self employed because our oldest child (of 4) had a disability & was better cared for by me and therefore I lost out on current referees so I could reenter the workforce. I didn't have capital so I worked from home and never managed to earn much. And my husband would not contribute to all expenses, leaving me to do that. So what I earned was spent. Remember that we had four children & there were a lot of expenses due to that & he would just say "No" - he is very good at saying no. He is younger than me & is retired. But he is too young to get the aged pension so he lives off his superannuation.

I am now on a government aged pension and contribute to a joint account he set up after I got that. He also contributes but sometimes there is little left if big bills have to be paid.

Almost a year ago my mother died (my father had predeceased her) and I got a one off legacy. It is virtually my only nest egg as my superannustion has only a few thousand dollars in it & I need soon to draw on that. My husband has always viewed my nest egg as something he has the right to draw on for bills and there have been awful incidents when he has been ragingly angry when I have refused. Of course I have tried to explain my point of view but he says I am being selfish, unreasonable & calls me names like "piece of work." He also threatens me in various ways. He has always used threats & name calling. He keeps trying to get me to explain but I have tried hard to do that and now there is no point; it is just a game for him. It comes down to it just not being equitable that I keep drawing on my relatively small legacy to pay bills. He has many more assets than I do (my legacy is my only real one) and the reason I never could earn a lot or amass superannuation was because I was also caring for our oldest child since he was a toddler and then had three more children to also care for. I have had legal advice and I understand that I am entitled to half his assets if we break up. That would enable me to buy a house (I don't have enough now) but there would be all that moving & I am now quite incapacitated. Also there are pets.

My husband presents a story/narrative that is supposedly to justify his claim that I have never contributed and just spent money on myself. He always throws in the claim that I only ever bought him one cup of coffee. It is simply not true, none of it. I had to spend some money on myself as he didn't, but I was always frugal and mostly bought my clothing & the kids', etc, including furniture from second hand shops. And my mother & relatives used to pass on their unwanted clothing my way. There is nothing more I can say in the face of his repeated lies and distortions. The best I can do is to say I have already explained about that. Then he try to get me to explain again but it is not that hard to understand. It seems he just wants my money and likes to speak against me.

Right now I have "locked" my legacy into term deposits. He is angry about that but it has lessened his raging episodes after I say no to paying a big bill. I don't have much in the way of savings and he says to use my credit card for expenses when he is away (for weeks and often) but I don't want a debt (it is debt free) and it isn't fair in my eyes. He says I am bad & am talking nonsense. He has also periodically called my "crazy" but I have dampened that one down as I just laugh ridiculingly, copying his preferred style and saying something like "Ha, ha. What!!!? Crazy? YOU think I'm crazy?", dismissing that nonsense out of hand and turning my attention elsewhere. But sometimes I do find myself wondering if I am making sense because he keeps saying I don't. I have to work hard at shutting down hopelessness and negativity in myself. That didn't come easy but I have worked at that for a long time & have read many helpful books related to that.