Maybe we need to redefine what sex is? I've never felt comfortable with the whole idea of reducing sex to a guy putting his penis in a vagina. It's ridiculous when you put it that way. Surely sex is everything that goes on within specific mutually agreed boundaries between people who love or at least lust for each other doing whatever they choose to define as 'having sex'? So it could be any of the things you have defined as 'not sex' - including mutual masturbation, voyeurism, foreplay, afterplay, play with toys, oral, touching or not touching, virtual, male, female, all shades in between and totally non binary and whatever one's state of ability/disability.