I have a "family" that certainly does not act like one. They have been toxic, abusive, and narcissistic. They have not acted like people with genuine concern for me whatsoever. They have behaved like abusers, which is what they have been. This began when I was around 17 or so, but it didn't really become obvious to me (or my therapists) until more recently after I came out about my sexual orientation and began to dress more authentically. They have been extremely hostile. In fact, they have said that they disowned me and backtracked. They have gone on long winded 2 hour+ rants of attacking me about my sexuality. They have told me that who I am is "disturbing" and essentially spent hours and hours attacking the very core of who I am. And when I called them on this atrocious emotional abuse, they simply have denied it or said that they are "entitled to their reaction" and actually recommended that I leave because there is just "bound to be conflict with them" given this. At many times in the conversation, they just said that they "want to forget about this" but there were also times when they asked grilling questions for the purpose of attacking me and telling me how I was wrong and being very judgmental and verbally abusive towards me. Or simply coming out of the chute and attacking me and being judgmental about things that I told them and shouldn't have purposely under the hopeful delusion of having a family.

Then, all of a sudden (after years of ******** prior to this by the way), they began acting like everything was okay and began to be peaceful and "loving" towards me. And they have even taken it a step further. They have seemed to approach me as though they were "concerned parents". Ironically, prior to this sudden "change of heart" (which is probably fake just like all the other times they acted like they were "nice" to me, hoovering basically), I was planning to leave them forever and had a very specific plan that I intended to enact in the near future. Yet if I enact it, their phone number would be blocked, all doors of contact would be closed, and I would have just moved on....... then there's this that just makes me wonder.

Now, these "parents" with a 10 year track record of emotional abuse (intermittent and guised as simply "losing their cool" and "in the heat of the moment" extremely well until the past year and a half after I came out) have approached me and said that they are concerned about my future and just "want to help me to get wherever I want to go". Previously, my "mother" asked me if I was transgender in a seemingly normal tone of voice and insisted there was "nothing devious in the question" and that she just wanted to know (as a result of the way I dress apparently) and I said no. She was okay with that, but she has said that she "has no particular agenda for me" but that she is curious about what my plans are with regard to everything, including my "lifestyle" because she "just wants to help me get wherever I want to go" and acts as though she is a supportive person who simply is concerned about me and "wants the best for my future". My dad also asked "if there was anything they could help me do to figure things out" and my Mom corrected him and said "well, his future and plans is up to him" or something to the effect. And said that they were simply curious about what I planned and "had no particular agenda" and that they were just curious and that my future was for me to figure out and that it "wasn't about them" that they were just "thinking of me". And said that "maybe it's okay that I want to have this kind of expression" and that she "didn't know" but acted "concerned" about things and said that she "had no real agenda" and that she just wanted me to be able to "get wherever I wanted to go" and that she "didn't want to see me alone".

A couple of weeks have gone by since this. In the meantime, I've thought that they've been giving me looks about things just like before but I can't tell, I'm just so used to seeing this sort of thing that when you're a hammer everything looks like a nail sort of thing. I don't know. I haven't responded to them, but I've thought about doing so. I've thought about maybe giving them this last chance. Of course, if they are abusive again (which given their track record its just another hoover and attack), I will just leave and never speak to them again. However, perhaps, perhaps, there is a chance that FINALLY she actually has decided to reach out. I first said I didn't want to talk about it and she said "she didn't want to either" but thought that I was "asking for her to" which I really wasn't. I don't know, but she said, "Well we can talk some time if you want. I have no particular agenda." and still was seeming to indicate she wasn't saying anything I was doing was wrong per say, which was quite positive for her...... and acted like who knows maybe there was some chance she wanted to "be there for me".

So, I am hesitant to enact my plan (that would involve moving to a different part of the country and leaving a note on the counter with specific instructions for them not to contact me under any circumstances). Since she sort of approached me with this, I'm thinking of going back on my plan with this...... just to give them (her mostly) this one last chance. And if it doesn't go well, I'll just forget about these people forever.

Because before this 10 years, me and my family were like glue. We were there for each other and I felt like I truly meant the world to them, and maybe on some deep level despite all this...... I still do. And it would be so sad to have to just walk away. Yet I would if I needed to, but maybe, just maybe I should give this ONE last chance. Even though I have given dozens and dozens. Knowing that it is TRULY the last chance. Maybe I should just actually talk to her like one would talk to any other person and just see how it goes. While it's probably all fake and phony just like all the other times, I just feel like I would always wonder if I enact my "escape plan" and NEVER see them again. As my plan involved not only giving no info about my whereabouts (as I suspect them of being narcs) but also blocking their phone number and permanently cutting all ties. Keep in mind there has been problems with them for YEARS. So, it isn't like I haven't given them plenty of chances. Just that perhaps with this, I have a feeling and wonder if maybe, just maybe she actually did decide to do something different..... and I think I'm going to give this one last chance.