I don't think the problem was your lack of understanding, but the way your T handled it. It just sounds like she didn't have the skills or internal stability to handle it gracefully, and to not take it personally.

Honestly, I don't know the right answer here. I feel like it's not unreasonable, in one sense, for Ts to say, "Hey, I'm human too, and it hurts when you lash out at me. Let's talk about who you're really mad at!"

On the other hand, I feel like Ts have GOT to have that internal sense of stability that, when a client curses at them, or says something mean, that they can withstand it with grace - without acting out, lashing back, or shaming them. That's sort of part of the job description, isn't it?

It very much reminds me of parenting. When your angry, rebellious teen yells, "I hate you! You are the worst parent in the world! I can't wait until I move out and never have to talk to you again! You suck!" - and storms off... as a parent, you shame them or yell back. You accept that that's where they're at, they're acting out a little right now but your job is to be a point of stability and safety.

I hate that your T failed you like this. And, I hate that there doesn't seem to be a good way, upfront, to determine if a T is going to be strong enough to handle the stuff that comes up. I mean, if you had known that this T couldn't handle your anger, would you have even started with her at all? Or would you have tried to find somebody else?

By the way... I sort of wish you could see my ex-T. I don't think you'd really like him though, but I DO think he projects that kind of stability. One of the things that he said early on, when I was nervous about giving him negative feedback, was, "I hope you know, I've been doing this long enough that if you say you hate me, or if you say that I'm the best therapist you've ever seen, either way... it's not going to really affect me that much" (or something like that, I don't think I have the wording exactly right).

What I heard though was... "It's OK to be mad at me. It's OK to tell me that I suck, I'm screwing up, I'm awful. I'll still be here, and I won't lash out at you." And I found that very helpful, and not a feeling that I've really gotten from other Ts.