I love people, and the idea of anyone being thrown away hurts my heart. There is a quotation by the poet Walt Whitman: " I hear the sound of a human voice, a sound I love" that strikes a chord with me. I really value every voice that is singular, honest and original like yours is. You seem self -aware and engaged in a very existential struggle to understand the inner workings of society as an explanation for why you feel as you do. These kind of thoughts are almost like an illness, and to me also a sign of an alive intelligence.

I do feel "clued in" in terms of I was taught to put a smile on and be socially fluent, but this requires the abandonment of self. I have a job, a boyfriend, an ex husband,friends and a great dog but I still feel bereft bc of the harrowing things done to me as a kid while also being forced to "put a smile on" and maintain appearances. To the casual glancer, I might look rock solid, but I cant sleep and so often want to go to sleep and never wake up bc the anguish from inside never stops and a lot of social skills are a facade to make things easier for other people and for me to hide behind, keep secrets, and lick wounds. I ask my T if some things are so disfiguring the damage done is total, and he gets tears in his eyes but he never says no. I am not sure if I will pull through this year, but if I didnt people would never understand except my T.

I am just saying, some of the people who make you feel throw away might be total messes like me held together with paper clips a wing and a prayer. Your posts are some of the ones I read first, and I always want to know how you are doing. You're very important here, and in the real world it is so much about listening hard with a gentle smile in our eyes. That is so much of what other people look for- an open friendly face with a smile, and this quality of attentiveness that says you find them absorbing , remembering little things abut them etc. You have to kind of put yourself on the back burner, and have energy in the people energy bank to lend out.