I want to start by thanking the creators/managers of these forums, of this website and of this service. Thank you for this, for making a safe haven online where people like us can come to learn and to read of others experiences and to try to offer some level of comfort and be comforted.
And also a forum is only as good as it's members so, thank you to everyone here and for being there for one another and supporting one another.
For years I have been looking for a place where I fit in, in everyday life and online and just when everything seems right it all falls apart.
Story of my life.
However, I feel that here is a place where I can be honest with not just everyone else but, with myself as well.
There are parts of me that feel that I'm going to screw this up or already have by sharing so much about what it's like to be 'me' or 'us'. I can't help it.
I see what is happening now. This tightly ordered mind, this careful, well ordered, perfectionist mind is cracking under the various stresses that we have been dealing with from years upon years of abuse. I'm cracking up. I can feel it. I'm coming apart at the seems. I'm malfunctioning, on the verge of a meltdown and desperately need repair. I don't know how much more I can take.
I'm taking abuse from my landlord, my brother with his ignorance, temper and refusal to understand, abuse from other family members who 'think' they know what they are talking about but, haven't a clue, guilt trips being laid on me for 'being selfish' and 'feeling sorry for myself/selves', people 'listening' to me but, not hearing me, nobody making any real effort to help, nobody calling to see how I'm doing, my mental health facility not offering one on one therapy anymore, the local hospital psyche ward staff treating their patients with little to no compassion, no one in my family trying to help me to get out of these terrible living conditions, no one in my hood wanting to sell me cigarettes, turning to drinking to calm my nerves and mind, trying to eat right so that I don't loose my limbs or have a heart attack, my rights being taken away little by little by an abusive family member that I 'have' to live with because I can't work and can't afford to live on my own, falling out of love and trust with God... Is it any wonder that I prefer sleep and delusions to reality?
I just don't know what I'm going to do.