I dont know whats going on with me at the moment. I feel as if I have taken a step back, but saying that there's this little tiny voice in my head telling me that I've gone back so I can work through somemore stuff....the other night I dreamt I was a child in my childhood home and it was xmas time adn I was with some childhood friends and I needed to get that love fix so bad that I injected Heroin...I've never used an intervenous drug but do hold an obsession about heroin...in the dream my fix I wanted in my head got itched...then I woke up and I felt so flat because I woke up into reality....I told T about this dream and then gradually as the session went on I guess I had and still am flipped into time warp zone....I didn't recognise T , I recognised the room eventually and the books and the light in the room seemed to bright and I told T i don't feel safe with her, I feel safe with her books becasue they wont change...then I got upset and told her she is %#@&#! with my head, pulling me in then pushing me out. T said, like your mother did?...not long after that the session ended and I am struggling to find any happiness of sense of self as I have become to be now. I dreamt last night I was in a strange place with strange people and I needed that fix in my head again and this time I was begging people for a joint...I got it and felt good in the dream then I was faking how ill I was in a doctors office just to get drugs and to get the attention and love I percieve one gets from this...then I woke up again and here I am typing this...Oh in the dream T turned to stone and I felt that there was nothign to be got from her...or perhaps I turned her to stone because right now the attachment game seems very scary...it feels like I am about to get overwhelmed with feelings of love for her which is way to scary and I have to shut down to get rid of them....this is where I think I am stuck in the "warp" T wouldnt I guess reject my feelings..but the fear/memory of not getting them returned is to scary to contemplate and to me it would be less scary to get my need met by a can of beer then to continue this with T..a can of beer won't laugh at me.