I felt slightly better last week. I was more productive, quiet suicidal thoughts, quiet self harm thoughts. I ate better (though not less). Then on Saturday I started sliding back down and now I’m back down on the ****ing bottom.

I’m absolutely hopeless. My program therapist said Christmas is triggering for me and therefore I may not feel better until after Christmas. But she doesn’t get it’s not just grief that’s keeping me down. Yes that’s a part of it, a big part of it, but it’s also a clinical depression that is not ****ing breaking no matter what I do.

I’ve lost all my fight. I’m prepared to just curl up. I’m prepared to write my will so my son will be taken care of.

But that would be selfish.

I feel numb. And so angry. I’m ready to quit php altogether as at this point they are just repeating themselves. If I hear “self-care” one more time I’m going to scream.

I had another triggering dream last night and I suppose that’s why I’m so agitated today instead of purely depressed. I want to do what I did in the dream. But I don’t want to ruin anyone’s Christmas, especially my son’s.

I feel like this is a really big jumbled mess and I’m sorry for that. My head is full of cement as usual.