Been going through a lot of stuff about the idea of T dying. And how I wouldn't feel entitled to grieve, how I wouldn't know what he died from, or go to his funeral, or know where he's buried. And how I think grieving someone is part of loving them. So if I'm not entitled to grieve him I don't feel entitled to love him.
This relates directly to an ex I had who I found out this year had died. I didn't feel entitled to grieve for him or go to his funeral, and I don't know his resting place. So I feel I am not entitled to the grief = love.
In a rather more complex way it relates to my deceased mother. T suggested this is the deepest wound. I didn't feel entitled to her love when she was alive, because she gave it to me so inconsistently. So I didn't feel entitled to the grief either. So when she died I felt nothing. I think the key to moving past her death (which I totally haven't) is to try to remember what it was like to feel entitled to love her. Before I realised it hurt too much to love her. When I was little. That's hard. But that's what has emerged from all of this.
At the start of the session I said I felt angry at him for letting me love him. I don't feel that now.