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Originally Posted by rainbow8
Thanks, Wheeler. Those are insightful comments. I tend to be critical towards everyone in my life, not just Ts. I expect a lot, and end up disappointed. I have been through a lot with my T, and feel more comfortable with her than anyone in my life. I'm not looking to move forward in therapy anymore. I just need my T to be there for me as I struggle with my daily life and challenges of aging. She's my safe place. 
Thank you! T emailed back that we'll talk about the money issue when I see her next. She said maybe "something in between." ( $100 and 165). So, not sure why she seems to still want to give me a discount after telling me what her fee is and that many of her clients pay out-of-pocket! She only said that after I said " most people have insurance and don't pay you all that". Maybe because most of her clients are younger than I am, are working, and are physically healthier. Or haven't seen her for almost 8 years!
Thanks. I do feel that often my sessions aren't so helpful, and that $100 is a lot of money. T and I had discussed cutting down sessions, but then stuff came up in my life, and I really need her as my anchor. The money reminds me of my being a failure, having been underpaid despite having a master's degree. I've discussed that with her in the past. I think her inattention last week triggered those feelings.
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About the first point: this is only in my experience, but I used to feel more disappointed in a lot of people, probably nearly everyone, including my wife and kids and therapist and coworkers and . . . . I think it is simplistic to say things like oh you can only get what you need from yourself and being disappointed in others is just about the emptiness you feel inside, and no one can fill it but you. I made a conscious choice to stop being critical as much as I could. Instead I tried to be a better listener and understand as opposed to pass judgment and impose criticism. My relationships with other people were improved and it had the attendant effect of me getting more of what I needed. It's also been true of me when I am disappointed in others because it still happens, to remember that most people can only do what they can do, and everyone including me has the right to refuse, scale back, etc. At the same time I try to accept what people offer me rather than "oh no, I couldn't possibly . . . " which irritates the hell out of a lot of people.
On the second point, I think it's good that your T didn't just decide to take the money and not discuss it. I'm not sure what you mean by "most people don't pay you that." I have insurance and I have a copay, but between the two she earns $165/hr. So she is paid $165 per hour. When I was uninsured over the summer, I paid $165 out of pocket. It's not just about what you pay, but what she gets paid per session. I think it's fine if she offers you less and you can feel free to accept it. This would be one example of accepting what people offer you and I think that would be a good thing. I take people at face value when they offer me something, even if I think it's not 100% fair.
On the third point, isn't part of valuing a service about what you get out of it? It feels like there is some internal inconsistency between "my sessions aren't all that helpful" and "I need her as my anchor". It seems like you focus on the negative and discount the positive in terms of the value of T for you. That's probably an example of being hyper critical.