So I have visited my mom since last Christmas, so I had forgotten the incident of last Christmas.

Here's what happened...on Christmas Day, my mom and I have a tradition of watching White Christmas together. Not necessarily on Christmas day, but at some point during the holiday we watch it. We had planned to watch it Christmas Day.

Also, I had thought that it was just going to be me, my stepdad, and mom for Christmas dinner. I don't do well with changes to plans with my anxiety.

So Christmas Day, out of nowhere, my stepbrothers show up, one with some girl he's been hanging out with, and they all usurp the living room, turn on a football game, and my mom and I are left out to dry. I had been taking a nap and when I woke up and came upstairs, with a full on migraine and already anxious, I saw all these people in the living room, and I just snapped into an irritable ***** having a full on panic attack. So much so that I got my service dog in my car and drove down the mountain and around town. Then came back and started loading up my car to leave.

Eventually I calmed down. I stayed that night then left the next morning.

So, like I said, I've been to visit without incident since then. ALSO, I have never blown up like that with family at a holiday before.

So I was texting my mom asking when it was okay for me to come up for the holiday...and she started asking me questions about am I okay with other people there, etc...and I all of a sudden felt like such a wretch.

I assured that knowing there may be other people, that I will be okay. And that as long as we designate that there is a room I can go, or that people will understand if I go to be by myself that I'll be okay. And she was fine with that. I also mentioned that it also upset me that we had made plans to do our annual tradition and that these people showed up and just cancelled our plans. The polite thing to do would have been to watch the movie with us or go downstairs to the game room to watch their movie.

Anyways, after that exchange she said it was okay to come. I don't blame her for asking me about it. I kinda ruined Christmas with my anxiety attack. I should have had better control of myself.

But, in my defense, she has had plenty of outbursts that ruined Christmas in the past...so me having an outburst at one shouldn't be that big of a deal, lol.

I have terrible social anxiety... and I woke up coming upstairs with a migraine and all disheveled in front of strangers...and they screwed with our holiday tradition, so yeah, I kinda snapped. Knowing what to expect now, and knowing to be flexible, I'm sure I won't have the same issue this year.

Seesaw