All of the above, and then some.

I felt really bad today. My bipolar *really* showed today. Last night my T told me to stop with the donation runs (I literally spend all day every day looking for donations I could get for everyone in the house hold plus Christmas gifts), to cut back on all-day caffeine (I drink 2-3 cups in the morning, 1-2 energy drinks, then 1-2 more cups of coffee....I didn't even tell her that after all this caffeine I drink 3+ glasses or shots of alcohol), and to eat better because if I don't cut back on this stuff I'll end up in a manic episode. She got me riled up last night, and then today, my grandma asked me to please not keep my belongings outside of my room because it was a tripping hazard, and I absolutely LOST IT. I started freaking out, hissing/screaming/talking myself really loudly, throwing things out of my room, stomping around, yelling at my grandma, and my grandma told me, "Don't runaway, just deal with it" and I went out for a smoke and then I broke down and started crying, my grandma was sad, and I told her everything I felt about all the stresses and what my T said, and how all I want to do is to provide for my family and make them happy because I feel like I'm freeloading but I felt that the donation runs weren't appreciated anymore and I was being told to take stuff back, and I told her I have always since I was little had a very hard time expressing and talking about how I really feel because I am so afraid of hurting feelings if I say something bad. I felt so terrible about how I reacted and lashing out at her, and I told her I was very sorry. So she told me she'll help me organize my room and that Papa was working on getting me cardboard for my clothing shelf....they picked up a free clothing shelf which was originally a 6 tier shoe rack from a department store, and the rods lining the shelf kept breaking off no matter what my Papa did, and I just got set off because the reason my clothes were everywhere was because so many rods fell off that there was no place to put my clothes....my Mamma told me that everything I angry about was "small stuff, everything fixable". So she promised she would help me get my room back in order, and after an hour the room was tidy and spotless, and she even made room in the hall closet so I could store my sweaters and pants so I would be able to hang up all my stuff on the shelves, and my Papa cut out cardboard to fit the shelves, so all my clothes are neat and tidy. My Mamma and I went through and organized every area in the room (my bedroom is a living room) and now I have so much space and there's a place for everything.

To make a long story short (too late), I had so much pent up anger from all the donation runs and juggling my first job from my second (I spent an hour this morning filling out online paperwork) and having a reality check from my T that I lashed out, but I was able to express my feelings once I calmed down and that everything got sorted out. All my Christmas stuff is wrapped, although I do have to paint three things for Christmas (mirrors and a local wine cork bottle thing) but all my Christmas stuff is behind me. I want to focus on me right now. I told my T that since October 9th, I had one day where I did absolutely nothing. Since October 9th, everything has revolved around digging through the rubble, bringing home my cats, and going on donation runs for my family. I haven't done anything for myself to relax. I wouldn't even know where to begin.