I was on Psych Central a long time ago, and have only recently really felt the need to call out again for help. I realize this post tells you very little about me, which makes giving advice difficult. At the moment the fortress of walls is about 100 deep.

I've had bipolar long enough, two decades, to know my perceptions are often wrong. I know I'm demanding, difficult, moody, and all those other endearing traits that have people flocking to be our friends. I'm down most of the time yes. Do everything I can to beat the bipolar monkey and refuse to give up.

But you can't do it alone. What do you do when you've a friend that has bipolar, but the longer you've been friends the less you are treated like a friend. You get closed out more, shut out more, you feel like you're trying to keep alive a close friendship when they say they want to be close friends but converse otherwise. Allowing for everything I can think of, the walls came down in our friendship, then started going back up. We've been friends for years. Only talk via email, and friends without benefits. No other friends, we have no energy or want to let others in. It hurts too much and exposes too much.

Recently I've been wondering whether to emotionally platonically pull away. The communication which used to be life sharing has changed to catch up but not sharing lives. Its hurting me. I tried bringing it up, but have been shot down in no uncertain terms several times, it triggering said friend of opposite sex. Its emotional as brother and sister. All that aside, part of me just wants to walk away, selfishly I'm not getting the support I need, or included in life by being informed like we used to. We promised best friends for life and I'm trying so hard to not turn to someone else for help, but after years, I'm still held at arms length, held in the dark, which is totally opposite to the way I treat them.

The obvious is to be selfish and walk away. The best is to stay as promised and change my expectations. I don't want another friend, nor can maintain or be fair to more than one. Which is leaving me alone and in a real time of need, hurting and alone. In fairness, they too having bipolar have huge fights themselves to deal with. I don't hear about them much. So am I a needy person who has burnt out another person in my life, has the friendship gone stale, or is my perceptions all up the creek. I just wish they shared as much as I did. It feels very one sided. Again. They've reasons in their past which has taught them not to trust. But after years of being friends....?

Ideas anyone. It pulls at my heart because I feel bad for even considering pulling back.