Mckell, No, no, no, your reply is greatly appricated. I think firstly I'm glad that others think about "using", perhaps this is just me wanting to take a break from it all like "normal" people but always link it to my past addiction. Secondly, I think what came to me as I read your post is that indeed I have things I;d like to ask for in my daylight T hours but can't, I want to ask T does she love me, and I'm afraid of that and I guess turned her to stone so I dont get hurt either way. I think, but thanks, its good to know Im not alone!