Intense is not the word for today’s session. I chickened out of mentioning the email, but ended up talking about most of the stuff therein.
“This week has been tough. I dared for a moment to think things might be different, but they’re just the same.”
Thankfully, both of our colds are on the retreat. To my great surprise, she gave me a Christmas card when she arrived today.
“It begins… ‘She called me into the bathroom to help with something, and…’”
‘Take your time, Lost. I can feel you are trying to go somewhere and you really want me to understand that is where it starts for you.’
‘She called me into the bathroom to help with something and collapsed.’
There was a silence ‘The tension at the moment is between forced and complicit.’
‘Can you help me understand a bit more?’
‘I was subjected to information I didn’t want, but at no point did I stop and say “I’m sorry, I can’t handle this.” I hate making comparisons, but the two experiences were so different.’
‘It sounds as though there is a conflict between two parts of you. If you could speak to that part of you, what would you say?’

‘The part that believes I was complicit?’

‘Yes.’

‘I would say that I accept you did the best you could at the time and I…’

I was struggling at this point to say ‘I forgive you,’ so I settled for ‘Though I cannot forgive you yet, I accept you.’

More silence, and then ‘The nights are still so hard. I get a couple of hours’ rest, but only after I have replayed it from all angles.’

‘It sounds exhausting to have to go through all that just to get some rest.’
‘She called me into the bathroom to help with something and collapsed.’

‘I can really feel you trying to go somewhere, and I can feel how difficult it is. I’m with you, and I will be with you wherever, even if we need to go somewhere else. You were somewhere then, and now you have come back.’
It gets a bit disjointed here, but I was talking about how I can tell people I am having trouble sleeping, but I can’t talk about the specifics with just anyone. We had talked earlier about how I accept that I have the coping skills, but it’s one thing to have them and another to use them.
I was talking about how I can tell people I am having trouble sleeping, but I can’t talk about the specifics with just anyone, ‘because I don’t feel able to provide support to anyone whilst dealing with my own stuff and needing support.’
R made a great point about how it is near impossible to have a supportive relationship with someone if you are secretly supporting them.
The session got messy then, because my mum needed to look for something in her office area. R wrapped up and asked how I was feeling. I smushed a few words together and fell over myself in the process before telling her that I felt strong…’which I think is a new word for these sessions.’
‘I was just about to say…It makes me feel warm to hear that you feel strong. Hang on to that.’

Last session of the year next week…feels a little ‘Speak now or forever hold your peace.’