Thank you.

I'm not doing so well tonight.

I've been doing pretty badly, mentally, for the last month and a half or so. I have been increasingly aware that I'm on a path which usually ends in the hospital, but as I am going on vacation out of the country at the end of the month (and it is paid for--non-refundable), falling apart is not an option.

I have some BPD tendencies when in relationships so, generally, I stay away from them. However, I've been talking to someone I've known for years and years and years, and he's a good guy. Really. In the past, I could have made a case for him being not so great for me, but right now, he's been the best. He's been navigating my moods beautifully, and sticking with me no matter what. Me though? Well, I will do whatever I can to sabotage a good thing. Anything. And that is exactly what I did.

I do this constantly, and then I'm mad that no one likes me. He really did like me. But I've burned the bridge with him, pretty sure (if you'd seen how I treated him, you'd tell him to leave me, too). Even if he comes back, there is no way he'd want to be with me. None.

I'm my own worst enemy