I think I need to backtrack a bit and write about some of the stuff that happened with MC Sunday (and maybe session Monday). Just to get it out. And so maybe it's more clear why I'm so hurt and angry right now...

So, background. I think I posted the sappy "I love you" e-mail that I'd sent MC after the concert last Tues. night. He'd responded Wed. the way I requested, that "of course it's OK," adding that he thought it was "not trivial," and I should discuss it, either with him or with T. I replied Wed. saying I'd like to discuss with both of them, and any chance of setting up a phone call with MC in the next week or two (we've talked on phone numerous times before, including a week or two before). No response. Friday, I e-mailed, "Or I guess we could discuss in session, but nervous about it." No response.

I really wanted to know if he was going to bring it up in session because if so, I wanted to talk to H about it first. If not, I wanted to talk to my T about it (in session Tuesday) to figure out what was up with it, then talk to H. So, because no response...text exchange:

Sat: Me: Worried about session Monday, like if we’ll have to talk about my e-mail and how that will go (I haven’t managed to share it with H). --LT

Sun.: Me: Could you at the very least let me know if you’ll bring it up or leave it up to me to decide?

MC: LT, It is entirely up to you what you would like to bring up in session. I will not bring it up myself. I also agree with your inclination that you and I should not address this ourselves individually. That would be for you and and T. If and when you would like, we could discuss it in a couples session with H.

Me: Thanks--actually my inclination was that I wanted to talk about it with you individually, on the phone at some point (even if not for a week or more from now)--I’d requested that in my initial e-mail.

MC: It would probably be better for you to discuss it with T if you want to talk about it individually, and for me to be clean and consistent about my role as the couples therapist.

Me: So suddenly you’re calling that into play? Why do you always get so weird with me if I mention that word...? Like, I’m feeling particularly vulnerable, so now you suddenly block me out.

Me: The other week, it was OK for you to call me (when I hadn’t requested that) in response to an e-mail where I was upset with you about how you were handling stuff with me and H. And now this is something directly related to my relationship with you, and suddenly that’s not OK?

MC called a second later and said, "I only have 2 minutes, and I'm going to do nearly all of the talking." Which...I was not OK with, because it felt like a decree. Much of the call, which ended up lasting 20 minutes, is a blur. But here's a few things I remember.

He started by talking about how he's trying to be consistent with holding the marriage counseling boundaries, which is why he didn't think he should talk to me individually about the e-mail. Of course, I had to call him on the fact that he has very much NOT been consistent in holding the boundaries. He was trying to deny that he hadn't been more lenient with them in the past. Which is total BS, as we've had numerous phone calls and e-mail exchanges that mostly focused on my transference issues. I finally said, "You've been wildly inconsistent with me," which of course he tried to deny...

He said in past, if we'd talked, was in preparation to talk to H about something. I said that's what I had been thinking here, too, that I wasn't going to not tell H--just wanted to talk to him briefly first, to kind of figure out what was going on in my head. He responded, "Oh." He said how he was trying to enforce the marriage counseling boundaries, how he was trying to be ethical about that. I said, "So, even if doing that is hurting me? Does that matter to you?" Don't think he answered that.

I said how he always seemed to get weird with me after I'd shared love feelings, like after I was vulnerable with him. He said it was different this time. I asked what he meant, saying I'd shared similar things before (the "I love you" stuff, though it had been over a year). He didn't seem to want to answer. I said it's not fair for him to not say why it's different. He finally said he thought the other times were paternal, but this was different. I said it wasn't, how in a (brief) e-mail the next morning, I'd clarified it was platonic. He was like, "Oh."

He said that with him thinking that, I had to understand why his having an individual session with me would have been unethical. I said I wasn't requesting an individual session--that I knew better than to ask for that. I had just been asking for a phone call. He said again he thought I'd been asking for a session, and I said no, that I'd very clearly said "phone call" in both the e-mail and text. He was silent and breathing really weirdly, like he was trying to keep control of himself. Actually, he was breathing that way much of the call.

Exchanged a few words--I was sobbing by this point, and had to think he was aware of that--then he said, "Also, you need to cut back on the outside contact." I was like, "What?" "You need to cut back on it. Now, I know what you're going to say later. I'm not saying you can't text me ever. Just not so much." Me: 'Oh so you're doing this now, right after I was vulnerable to you?" "I'm not cutting you off entirely, just saying you have to cut back. I'm not abandoning you." He said something about the whole boundaries thing. I said, "Do you realize how much this is hurting me, to do this now?" I don't know what he said to that.

Shortly after that, we got off the phone, and I curled up in a ball, sobbing.