Walked into his office today, he bought a new couch! Maybe that was what started me off, his soft comfy makes me feel like safe couch has been replaced by a new one that is hard and now big pillow's on it for me to hug and curl up with......... Maybe that is what started this session off as it did, the first 20 minutes were catch up on what happened this past week with things, mainly my husband and the kids. I needed to talk to him about the kids, I feel like I am losing it with them, I yell and or get very quiet with them, which is not the norm for me. It is mainly my oldest and me that get into the arguements, and I wanted to discuss this with him. Well we started talking about that, he asked what happened last that set the two of us off, so I told him that I had gotten the kids weekly progress reports in my email on Monday morning and my oldest is holding a low grade in English, he is on a IEP, and has a learning disability and I have always been on top of school with him, so we started to explore the reason why he has grades falling, and my T asked me if I know why he should be falling behind in school with all that is going on at home, have I not slacked on my responsibilities as a parent? Yes, I have, I said, anyway some how it got onto how we dicipline our children and I told him that they know, it is their responsiblity for school and so on, and there are consequences to them blowing off work, my husband goes over the top with his punishments so usually I will handle it on my own. Well next thing I know my T is telling me that neither one of us get the parenting award for the year, that we are both screwed up!! He then spends the next 30 minutes telling me how to raise my 15 year old..........I shut down completly after the first 10 minutes..........what ever!!! After an the hour I said ok, is that it! He asked if I had anything else for him, no..........I gave him my co-pay he said hardly seems right for me to take the money after me talking all session.........I said yes your right..........he never asked if I wanted another appt, he never asked if I was ok, with what he just said or did..........and I walked out thinking that now I am the worst parent in the flippin world on top of everything else I feel I am bad at!!!!!!!!!!!! Right now I am angry.........and want to scream at him, that he isn't getting me right now!!
I depend on him, I trust him, I lean on him, I need him to help me through all this, but right now I wished I never met him! He doesn't get me, he doesn't get that I am sinking, I put up the front, most of the week, I can be me in his office, and yet today I felt like I was looking in from outside!!! Maybe there isn't any helping me, or maybe I don't see what he see's in me..........I walked out today feeling more confused, then when I went in..........I know I need help, I hate yelling at my kids, but the one thing I have always been proud of was I raise my kids so they can think for themselves, and we can always talk.........now I feel like I cannot even do that right!!!!