More mega venting... I couldn’t expext anyone would read

My boss rolled his eyes at me yesterday. He was moody in general. Lately, he can act like a punk; he is clearly stressed and tense. This morning, he approached my desk quickly, and said he was sorry that he acted frustrated with me yesterday. He said it’s because he WAS frustrated with me, but that he shouldn’t show it, because that’s not professional.
It felt like a sucker punch. Though I guess he thought he was berating himself? Or was he being defensive? Passive aggressive? Thinking out loud? Thoughtless? I don’t get it.
Then he goes on to say that he just doesn’t understand how I make certain mistakes. But that he doesn’t expect me to be perfect, that we’re human and he can’t expect me to never make mistakes. It felt like a bad dream.

He is six feet tall, and stands over me as he says this, while I’m sitting at my desk. He’s in my bubble. It’s uncomfortable. I can’t say anything during this weird speech, because I don’t want to make things worse. He’s chastising me, and the only reaction I want to make is to puff up and tell him to back off. Can’t do that, so I eventually lower my eyes as he shames me. He walks away and I felt tears welling up. Went to bathroom and cried on the toilet. Went back in after a few minutes. He comes by again...says “oh by the way...that Christmas garland right there that I put it on your desk...it fell down. Please tape it back up when you have the time.” (The bosses decorated the office).

Five minutes later, the phone rings. I answer the phones at work, so I start to pick up the receiver, when I notice the caller ID shows that the call is coming from our second phone line. It’s the boss mistakenly calling us instead of a client. He says “oh! Um I picked the wrong number... um” and hangs up. I thought...huh...HOW did he do that? Hmmmm....how DID he make that mistake? I don’t understand how he makes mistakes (often). I’m glad that happened, to remind him that he is not perfect either...sometimes people make stupid mistakes when they’re flustered. Go figure. Likely the irony was lost on him.

I don’t respond well to this type of smug. I have to remind myself that I’m not a hopeless idiot after he made me feel like one. I once had a boyfriend that would say, “I don’t make you feel. You make you feel.” I can hear it in my head, that I’m blaming my boss for making me cry, when really I just made myself cry. I’m telling myself that my boss is stressed and projecting, or that he is trying to train me in his own way to be the best assistant in The whole wide world...or he’s desperately afraid of ruin, and thinks my mistake would crumple his biz...Or that he is defensive of his own performance.

I want to keep growing professionally in this field, and I do believe I am getting a crash course. But man I would love to tell my boss to eff off sometimes. They are having severe growing pains I guess, growing their business and balancing their partnership. They can’t seem to keep people working for them. My spite is getting unbearable for me. I want to be in a positive mind frame.

I’m really worried that I’ll become unstable from the stress of someone criticizing the smallest things I do. I don’t like being treated like I’m a child.

I’m losing my counselor.

I’m feeling quite vulnerable and I just need to feel some confidence and appreciation. Then I think, it’s not my bosses job to...do anything for me...it’s my job to make their life easier. I think I should be using my time at home to organize every aspect of my job into a comprehensive fool proof list. But that’s not what happens..I cook, clean, care for my family, and struggle to sleep instead.

I do want to be perfect so I can escape and avoid more ridicule. It’s triggering and brings up parental issues for me.. and then I think eff my parents for being so...abusive and damaging. I don’t want to go cold. I don’t want to be ungrateful, or hateful, or prideful. I can’t tell if there’s something wrong with me, or nothing wrong with me.

I know what I need, but I understand no one is entitled to it...I need warmth and safety.