Hi, just to update, I am now living apart from him.
Since this has happened, I have been having regular counselling and it's become apparent that he has some kind of mental illness. It's not until I started to explain his behaviour over the years to a professional that i have realised this to be true! Despite living apart, it is still really hard, because he is refusing a divorce, I guess so that I am tied to him. I knew deep down that he would refuse it! So I feel beaten down and tied to him. My counsellor has been helping me with this, explaining that you can get out of any situation you are in, unless you commit a serious crime, then you can't! But, I am seeing so much help, that there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel here. I'm going through so many emotions, mostly aimed at myself for not realising about him sooner. But the first step was moving out for my safety. It's going to take a long time because I am in a lot of denial over his behaviour still, my counsellor said it's deeply affected me because I don't really show any emotion when I explain what he has done to me. I'm still in the mindset of 'oh it wasn't that bad' which I see is crazy. But I can't stop thinking that way. I understand that this is because of his tactics of abusive behaviour. He's made me feel that I can't live without him because hes so wonderful and I am still in the stage of feeling this way about him.
This is the biggest lesson I have ever had to learn. Especially if he refuses the divorce, it's going to bankrupt me financially and also it could take seven years for it all to end. Of course he is running on the charm and his parents and everyone still thinks that the sun shines out of his *****. Which makes me hurt even more because to me, it's like they can't see his bad side. But my counsellor said that they definitely do see it, they just live in dear to not rock the boat with him. Which makes me even madder, because I feel let down by them too. It's a bad situation, but I am not dying. I'm still breathing, I am alive, just have to make the best of it and get through this now! I am dreading Xmas, but I have to keep telling myself that if I was spending it with him, he would probably get drunk and attack me. Anything is better then that.
If anyone has any advice on how to get through this, please advise. You have all been amazing so far! Thank you.