This is a relationship topic, but it's all mixed up in dissociation stuff so yeah, here it is...

I have a spouse who is an interesting person, really great in a lot of ways... but he also hides things and lies about things sometimes... some big things, some not so big things. Given that I am a person with trust issues this is a huge thing for me. Not that lying/hiding is a non issue for people with no trust issues, because really, I think lying in a marriage is huge regardless, but just saying I probably react worse to this than your average person, and will probably have a harder time getting over it. I know this. The SO guy knows this as well. But he still does it every few months about whatever. It's a problem.

The night before last, I caught him doing something I knew he was hiding from me for over a wee now. A thing I would not have cared about at all had he just told me. The thing itself is not a big deal. The hiding is the problem. I busted him, I asked him how long he'd been doing that, he said he hadn't. I called him on that as well. He lied to my freakin face and to say it made me angry is an understatement. Yesterday I told him how and why it bothered me, how I have zero idea how I am supposed to love a guy I do not trust and I clearly do not and cannot trust him and I have no idea if this is something I can forgive and forget and move on from. I have no clue if he is worth the time, energy and effort. I don't think he is willing or able to work on himself and stop engaging in hurtful, selfish, childish ways. And that's what it always comes down to, the hiding, the lies, big or small... he just doesn't feel in that moment in time, like dealing so he just says whatever he feels like saying so he doesn't have to deal. Not cool.

Yesterday was kinda rough because even though I have zero patience for this crap from him, one of our younger ones really likes the guy and goes back to that whole mindset of, he's nice so it's okay, people make mistakes so it's ok because no one is perfect. Then there is a part of me who starts the internal mantra of 'what i want, what i think, what i need doesn't matter'. Part wants to turn this back on me like I'm overreacting so it's all my fault anyway. It's always easier for me to blame me than other people. So yeah, yesterday fluctuated between almost table throwing angry (I managed to throw nothing at his head, so yay me), trying to not scream and yell (I think I only got loud and irrational once), to bursting out in tears, to chugging absinthe, to sleeping, to numb. It was rough, but I communicated, spoke up, and yeah. Progress. I think.

So far today I'm not feeling anything about it one way or another. I'm not sure if this is healthy and I'm just coping and understanding there isn't much here to be sad or mad about anyway... or if I have just detached from it. It's weird, I knew I was wanting to deal with my trust issues and work on that, I just didn't think it would necessarily end in me contemplating divorce. Hm. I know what I want to do, what I need to do for me... I'm worried though that I'll just cave on this and go to some default mode and tolerate this stuff again until next time it happens and I go and fall apart again, and wash rinse repeat. I dunno. Just where I am this morning about this.

If you got through this, thank you. I know no one can tell me what to do, and I'm not looking for that... I'm just putting this out here to hold myself accountable and help ease my concerns that this will just vanish from my mind. I've lost a lot of thoughts that way...

-Avery