Note: I started writing my feelings in the depression forum, and it became very quickly about therapy and about my therapist, so I'm putting it here.

I need to write this somewhere. It might not make sense, it make be vague. But I need to put this someplace. I can't do this anymore. I have expectations and wishes and maybe they're unfair. I don't think so though. I'm not getting what I need. And I have needs. And I'm sad. And I feel really badly about myself and I don't want to. And I really don't like my therapist. This has been going on for a long time. I think I need to request to see someone else. I don't feel a connection to her. I don't feel like she is helping me anymore. I will of course, have to journal about this, and not make a rash decision. Because she has helped me in the past. But I just really feel like its not productive anymore. I'm not getting better in the ways I want and need to. I still feel like a loser. I haven't ever really felt a connection to her. And I think...I think its hard to talk about some things. And I want to feel safe when I do talk about them. I don't want to feel like the person sitting across from me doesn't care. She expects me to do it all on my own (I do think self sufficiency is important but...). And I think, while I do like her, her style is...not for me. I feel badly about myself around her. I shouldn't have to feel that way around my therapist. Yes, it's true, I loved (not romantically) my previous therapist, but that was a year ago (I had to quit because it was too expensive to see her). I'm going to journal about this. I can't just read a ****ing book on self esteem and feel better. I mean, it will help. But I need a relationship with my therapist that feels good to me.

My main reason for staying with her (I have brought all of the above up to her before, more than once), is this: I don't want to make a mistake, by leaving. I do like her. She *has* helped me. What if the person they put me with is worse? I wonder that maybe its *me,* I mean she means no harm (though that doesn't mean I'm not being harmed anyway), and I have jumped and run from people before in my life (like friends, boyfriends) and I have sometimes regretted it..like they seemed too black and white of decisions that I've made and I want to be able to work *with* people and not just run from them.