I am very confused and conflicted right now, because I am very seriously thinking about leaving my husband. We have been together for 14 years and married for 9. I have spent most of this time unhappy, and most of this time looking for a way out, though until recently I have not found one. It felt like my exits were blocked and I felt trapped and helpless.

I realised recently that I do have a choice in this. That I can leave, and that i can find myself a better future, a happier future. I have tried many times in the past to end our relationship, but each time I tell him, he gets upset. I don't like to see anyone upset so I stay and try to work things through, hoping that things will get better but never believing that hope.

A lot of things happened recently to make me feel quite strong about leaving, to make me feel.like it is possible, but that dorsnt mean I am not scared still. I am scared that I am making a mistake, that things could improve between us. I am scared that I will really hurt him and I am scared for how he will respond to that hurt. I am scared of how I will respond to the hurt too. I am scared to tell my family because I don't really talk to them much, about things that matter, and I am scared of hurting his family who have been good to me. I am scared for all the little things and all the big things.

But I am making plans to leave, still, despite my wondering if I will ever actually go through with it. That's why the post name 'where am I going?'. Am I moving forwards on a path or am I going round and round in circles still trapped inside? I really don't know the answer to that question.

In a way, maybe I am getting out of this mess the same way j got into it, on a wave that I didn't feel in control of. Maybe that's ok.

I have a viewing on a flat on Monday, and it comes up for rent early in the year. It is £500 deposit and £500 A month rent, so an expensive outlay if I don't end up leaving him.

I haven't told my Dad yet, or my brother. I don't know when or how I am going to tell them, just as I don't know when or how I am going to tell my husband. It all feels very surreal, but intensely real at the same time. I don't much like it, but then I haven't much liked my life with him for the last 10 years or so either.

I joined a dating site just to see what was out there, to see if there might be someone else with similar interests, to see if I could get some hope about a possible future for me, w happier future for me. My husband is the only relationship I have ever known, so I am a bit clueless to be honest as to the realms of possibilities. I just figured for years that everyone was this miserable, but I have recently become aware that this might not be the case.

I ended up chatting to a really lovely guy with similar interests, who seems to have a really kind and gentle heart. I saw that hope. We chatted on and off today, and it was really lovely, but I didn't want to be dishonest so someone who seemed to genuine and kind, so I told him my situation, and now I have to wait and see if he wants to continue getting to know each other. I hope he does, though I would completely understand if he runs a mile and never looks back.

Confused and conflicted