I have been looking forward to and dreading this session for 2 days now. It had been the longest 2 days of my life. I did a good job at distracting myself, though, instead of sitting around obsessing over it. Even though the distractions only did so much, it was still in the back of my head and i wasn't fully "there". I needed this session to be good. I needed us to connect.

I was hoping to come out feeling a "therapy high" as you all have talked about. Feeling as if i LOVE my T again and i was going to come straight home and post on PC about how great my T is and about how foolish i was and how i don't know how i could have ever been upset with her because shes the greatest person ever and i love her and etc etc. Well that's not exactly the feeling i left with.

First off, T said she would have to leave 5 minutes early because she had some "child-care" issues to take care of. (she has a 2 year old son) She said she was just putting that out there up front. I appreciated that. We started with talking about my email i sent. She said i portrayed myself as very weak but i was so strong with my words that i sort of gave a mixed message. We went on to talking about specifics of the email. Mostly about what i want out of our relationship and that she is not my friend or my family so she doesnt think she can give me what it is im looking for. She was very gentle about that and asked what it was like for me to hear that. For some reason i never got to give her an answer and that is that it is HARD to hear. (soliaree, i know you relate to that a lot) We kinda went on about boundaries and limits. I told her i wasn't exactly sure what her limits were and she said its different for different clients. She said that only TWO of her clients have her cell phone number for emergencies. I AM ONE OF THEM!!!! that lit me up a little. She said most clients call the office and are directed to call the ER or whatever if in distress, but she said some clients she doesn't think would do that or something. I dunno, i was just pleased to be special. We talked about why i think she needs to SEE me go through emotions and the things i usually go through after therapy. I said well for one i want you to believe me when i tell you i cry all the time, so yea i want you to be able to see it first hand. But i never got to why i really want her to see it. It's so i can be comforted and supported instead of being alone. At one point she gave me the email i wrote that she printed out so i could look it over to talk about anything in specific i wanted. It was at this time when i looked at the email and it all blurred, it was obviously silent because i was supposed to be reading, but i couldn't concentrate on the words. I had a rush of anxiety fill up and i felt as though i was on the verge of crying again, but for some reason i wouldn't let myself. (she told me last time when i got on the verge of tears she honestly didn't even notice because i looked the same as i usually do, looking down, sulking, quiet, etc) So for some reason i didn't let it just happen right there, because i felt like i was supposed to be reading and giving her feedback, not breaking down. I think she noticed the quiet and sudden sulking in me and she said, "You're reading, right?" like to make sure that i was reading and not on the verge of being upset. for some reason, I DONT KNOW WHY, but i looked up and said, "Oh, yea sorry." i should have been like, "not really i just got really upset all of a sudden." or something along those lines but i DIDNT and i REGRET IT.

Anyway, i think i didn't achieve the "therapy high" because number one the session was cut a little short. (even though we talked the full hour but things were left unresolved and she wasn't able to extend at all) And also because we didn't achieve anything or close any of my worries/issues. She said since i missed monday, and because she was short on time, i could come in friday to continue our conversation. After leaving i feel there is so much we never talked about, and even more i want to talk about the things that we did cover. So yes, i'm feeling a little better after seeing her and finally being on "the right track" but i'm still a little anxious because we barely made a dent in everything thats happened in the last 2 days. Not to mention that my life has continued, and things that have happened OTHER than this issue need to be discussed. I swear, i could be in therapy for my lifetime. But at the same time, there are days when NOTHING comes to my mind to talk about. It's hard work. But despite everything i do love my T. Even though she can't love me. She said she cares about me but its a different kind of care than her friends and family. Anyway, theres a lot left to discuss. I will keep you posted about friday. and, THANK YOU AGAIN.