I'm new here and I feel strange sharing my feelings with complete strangers but honestly couldn't be any worse than friends and family. I recently turned 36 which was extremely sad for me b/c it was the second birthday since my husband passed away. He's been gone almost 16 months now and I can't let it go and I can't move past it.

I spend days in bed, I have the same nightmare of holding him while he dies, the look in his eyes, that empty sinking feeling of knowing he was gone and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I'm so angry because I had finally found the only person in the world that made me feel anything.

The first man I could ever trust enough to get close to. For once in my life I had a good job, he had a good job, we were getting a house, leasing our vehicles, we had our kids, we had our family, then it was gone. I lost my aunt, three days later a good friend, and two days later my husband. Then over the next two weeks I lost my job because I was unable to function at all, I lost my home, my vehicle, had to sell anything that was worth anything to pay my bills.

Went to seven different doctors, psychiatrist, and therapist not to mention the er on a few different occassions. I'm told they can't help me that I need to grieve naturally. One even told me to take Niacin and Vitaminsand use essential oils. So I gave up on trying to get any help.

The next four months were rough, even a suicide attempt. Panic attacks to the point I would vomit, couldn't leave my apartment, my friends and family would show up b/c I wouldn't answer messages or calls. I could not function but then when income taxes came around, got a car, got a job.

Hadn't been feeling well and went to the doctor and was informed that I had a rare blood cancer that was the cause of most of my problems. And now could have possibly progressed to a form of bone marrow cancer. Once again I shut down lost my job, had to sell my car to pay my bills, and rely on others which I hate myself for. It's a mess, every single day and I can't stop it.

My friends and family just tell me to get over it and do what I need to do but I can't. They don't understand I try I really do try because I hate feeling like this. I feel empty like I just can't care about things that I should. You would think after 16 months I could go just one day without falling apart.

I've tried distractions, I've tried by putting his stuff away, trying not to talk about him or think about him, I've been curled up in the fetal position screaming into a pillow and nothing seems to help.

I've lost a lot of people in my life but this had been by far the worst loss I've ever felt. I feel like I lost myself too. He was my best friend for 20 years, the only person I could ever tell everything to and know it didn't matter how stupid or small it was he never judged me.

I've tried to date but I end up being self destructive and ruining it or comparing them to him and they just don't ever measure up. I have so many emotions but can't seem to feel anything if that makes sense to anyone.

Everyone thinks I should be okay, that I should be able to pull myself up by the boot straps and live my life. I've got kids, I've got family and friends to live for and take care of. Which in turn just makes me feel even more like a piece of crap because I can't be normal and bounce back like most can.

I'm terrified that I'm mourning myself to death. I know grief doesn't have a time limit and it affects everyone differently. I just don't know how to get through this, I feel like I'm doing it all alone.