Well, the SO is staying with his mom... he plans to come back Monday to get more of his things. The conversation I had with him was brutal, heartbreaking kind of brutal. I had this aha moment and I saw, like really saw for the first time how very much I mean it when I say I do not trust him and it goes so far beyond my own trust based issues and that's sad to me. Sad that I never saw it like that before, sad that I allowed it for so long now. I mean he and I have been married for about fifteen years. I'm not mad at him right now and I don't wanna be because there really is and has been so much good. He's a real cool cat and I like the guy. Hell, even with the trust stuff not being there, I love him. I just couldn't do it. I can't do this again and I don't believe he will change and even if he could or would, I wouldn't believe that either. I'm gonna miss him. I think this would hurt less if I hated him or something, but I don't and I can't. Lies or not, he deserves better than hate and so do I.

I get these waves of ok, then sad, then I'm just trying not to throw up. I've been me all day. I'm getting emotions/ideas/stuff from others, but no one else is up front and center with me or showing up for awhile or whatever. I dunno. I'm still here... still dealing, but I am dealing and that's a good thing, I think. Little voices creep up and tell me to just let him come back and it will be ok, but it won't and I know it. I'm scared of new, of change, even when the change will ultimately be for the better. Eh but it's more than that as well. It's easy to tell myself it's me being crazy or not so bad because deceit doesn't leave bruises or whatever... that 'could be worse' mentality. He got me all mucked up tonight. Progress really hurts.

-Avery