Quote:
Originally Posted by Waterbear
That's a really good point, that nothing can be a given. Anything in life is possible, within reason!
I have been in counselling for nearly 2 years now, to work on the loss of a mother I never really knew, a family I never opened up to, a past full of abuse etc, and through that I think I have become stronger in myself. Able to stand up for myself more, to say what I need and want and to go out and seek that.
I did ask my husband if he would go to couples counselling, a year or so ago, but he would not. Said he wasn't interested in it, didn't have time for it. Well that is now how I feel about our marriage.
My therapist also said the same as you, that this could be hard on me, that I could get hurt and I know and accept that, but I think I owe it to myself to try. She also talked about the fact that he may find someone else and they may awaken in him all the qualities that I desired. I think that would sting a little, but in a way I would be happy for them. I seem to be in a place of acceptance that we just aren't right for each other, but that someone else may be right for him.
I appreciate I may not always be in such a place of acceptance, but that is life.
The hardest part for me is how. How to do it. How to remain strong in the face of his hurt. How to do that to someone else. How to walk away when I do still have the small reservations. I am not a black and white thinker. I see all possibilities and all opinions and so I am finding thst quite difficukt. How to trust myself and fight for myself. Those are the hardest parts.
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Ah, so you did try couples counseling and he wasn’t on board. That’s on him, then. As long as a relationship isn’t abusive, I always think counseling should be considered before ending it. However, as you said, you tried. That’s all you can do. You seem very clear and level-headed, and that’s better than a lot of people in this situation would be able to say.
Something that you should mention to him when and if you make this decision final, is that you did try. You wanted to try to work on things and he didn’t. And I don’t mean saying it to him in a vengeful way, but some people need a real kick in the rear to realize what they’re losing. Which is why I mentioned it doesn’t mean this is final. A trial separation does occasionally work. Again, you just never know. But I 100% agree that you owe it to yourself to give this a shot. This obviously isn’t working, and you’re clearly not happy with the situation, so I don’t think anyone could blame you for this and in fact I think it’s very admirable.
As for his feelings, while I understand having empathy you have to think of yourself in this situation. Again, you gave him a chance and he basically spat in your face. He needs to work on himself whenever this happens. Even if this tears him up at first, it could end up being the best thing that ever happened to either one of you. There’s consequences to things we do, and while nothing I read in your posts scream that he’s some terrible person or anything, you have him a chance to work on things when you felt they weren’t going well. To me, that speaks volumes that he didn’t snatch that opportunity up, and now it may just have to be a decision he has to live with. I wish you both the best of luck through all this, because I know how tough a breakup can be after being together for years.