I was in meditation earlier and I cried, which isn't unusual, but I knew what about this time. It's been an hour and I'm still tearful. Sometimes I can't let go of some things. Right now, it's hopelessness. I don't feel like I'm using my life correctly, like I'm wrong in every possible way. I need to let this go but can't. I fail far too often to be a good person. I keep having flashbacks to a dream that shook me hard recently, dying alone. I know that death in any form is true final relaxation, complete peace. I want to not want that, to live even without the peace that comes with it.
In my life I'm really not doing well. I went homeless for a few days in freezing weather. I very reluctantly went back to my parents' house and have been reminded several times a day why I left. I asked someone I've had feelings about for 40 years out as friends and she turned me down to catch up on her TV shows. Another friend is mad at me because I wanted to have more meaningless sex if given the opportunity, but that friend got inside my head to make me think about things and I turned down the sex, making my sex buddy very mad at me. I am very afraid that things are going to get much worse very soon. I'm tired of being at my parents' house, where I've not ever truly felt "at home," even as a child. I know that I'll die alone and nobody will care either way. They'll probably just pitch me in the crematory, say nothing, and throw me out in the trash. That seems a fitting end for life lived and used as refuse. I've been fighting for an hour going to my ex and holding her, but I'd rather be dead instead. I don't want her back, I just want anyone. I've been looking back and forth at the box with my meds in it half of the time I wrote this. I am certain I wouldn't and won't but that true final end to the emotional and physical pain, loneliness, and feeling trapped is really sounding very good. I'll probably call a crisis line if it gets much worse. I do have another therapist appointment this week, but I'm questioning the point. I feel good, then horrid, then a little better, then much much worse. I'm useless to everyone.