Finally moved to a better place in my therapy.

T and I both agreed that my asserting, advocating, or even arguing who I am when I feel he misunderstands, mischaracterizes, or projects upon me (of course he doesn't think he ever does the latter ) is a good thing because it indicates that how/what he thinks of me doesn't affect me as much now.

This week I told him about some mistakes I perceived he made and he didn't get defensive though he was snarky here and there (I didn't get upset about the snarkiness because he actually admitted this ) His accepting my anger and disappointment, etc. about it allowed me to move on to deeper stuff. When he didn't get defensive or ostensibly angry, I froze up in fear. I had a dissociated experience arise at that point--it was a fear that my father or brother, couldn't discern which, was going to "get me" later for having asserted myself. I released the fear memory from my body.

I left with some more clarity about how things played out with my sadistic father and brother. I was always in a state of hypervigliance, not knowing when one of them would harm me again. I feel more aware of how much I blocked off as well as the degree of trauma. It's kind of scary thinking about it now. But its ok because I feel safer with T now, knowing he can tolerate and contain my anger and distress.

It makes him seem stronger. It was a good session.