(( thank you )) for caring! Your replies mean a lot to me!

I really really really didn't feel like going. All day I wished I could just go home from work and not have to go out.

Those sessions can turn out to be decent ones anyway. There were little things, like she moved her chair as close as possible keeping the small table between us. I sat at the far end of the couch for the first time in a long time, was distressed when I got there. It felt like she was really eager to hear whatever I had to say. During the session several times she was too quick to beging to talk about something I had just brought up and I was able to just say "Wait.." so I could say more. Most importantly, the first thing I told her was that I felt like she didn't "get" how important this issue is to me, that I can't make her understand how important it is and that I can't make her understand how very hard it is dealing with it, what it's like for me. ( I mean, geez they always ask "What's that like for you?" or "What would that be like for you?"--whadda they doing, killing time? They get bonus points every time they ask that?!)

...I have this wonderful relationship with someone on a site, who's educated to be a T, doctorate even; but has a different business of her own. We have written for several years, nearly every day. I'm so attached to her! She was like a T to me, very very supportive, very very nurturing. Then it changed. She had been encouraging me to get face to face therapy since we first began writing and I knew I needed to get back into it. She was the one who told me about different types of therapies and therapists.

So the relationship changed, at her request. I have desires for mothering and the relationship with this person was like a dream come true. When the relationship changed I was devastated and thought I did something wrong. She has assured me several times I did not. It was 'entering into the realm of psychotherapy' to her and so we had to shift.

We still write. Or as far as I know we are, if I haven't totally screwed it up with this current panic that she's leaving me.

From time to time, I get overwhelmed with panic that she is pulling away and will leave me. I get so panicked I can hardly think of anything else. I do stupid things like treat her as if she really is leaving me. I try to pull her back close to me. I withdraw. I become so convinced of my own thoughts that I think it's actually happening. This puzzles her because (so far! lol) it's not been true. This time I think it's frustrated her.

My worries create this extreme tension within me. Then when I share them with her, it creates terrible tension in the relationship. THEN I think... oh she's going to leave me now because I've done it again! So then I'm back to panic and distress, sick with worry. Round and round.

So this time we've talked about separateness again, about her having her own thoughts separate from my thoughts and that I can have thoughts that she's leaving but she has her own thoughts that don't include leaving me. She tells me that my magical thinking makes me think I have some control over her coming or going and when I can accept that, my worry will not be so vivid.

I asked T WHY do I keep doing this?!?!

T says because I am trying to fulfill a need that wasn't met when I was a child. And that I found just what I'd looked all my life for, and I want to hold it close. I want someone to be there just for me. That I'm trying to fill an emptiness in me that I don't yet believe that I can find now. She's right I don't believe it. I'm listening, though. I want to believe it.