I am sorry you are suffering.

It sounds like you are having some realizations, as well as some depression.
Both can be unsettling.

Fortunately, mood episodes don't last forever. In time, they shift.
Yet, they can really make us feel like we're in hell in the meantime.
Please do contact a crisis service if needed.

Anything you can do for distraction?
Go to a movie? Visit a buddy? Other?

Please take good care of yourself.

WC