The definition of comforting others has changed over the years. I used to try to fix them by offering advice, like my core family did as motivated through shame-based blaming, etc., which didn't help. Got into therapy and received from her the real way to comfort: listening and guiding me back to my own intuitive answers through caring questioning. Hmmmm...Then I took an online course through compassioncourse.org and found out that empathy is the feeling of having been heard. Truly heard. And visa versa, like a dance.

So now I recognize my own feeling first by asking myself if I feel anxiety? do I have time and/or want for this interaction? Acknowledging my own feelings FIRST is authenticity with a dose of self-empathy. Then I have something to offer that's worthwhile...Like saying, I'm feeling stressed by your needs because I have another appointment, and would like to get back with you when I have more time to listen without being rushed? Or here's the hard one: I feel triggered by this topic and won't be able to listen through it given my own anxiety. If you don't have someone else you can go to, may I recommend my therapist? If I choose to listen, then I listen with my eyes, ears and whole being until I feel the shut-off switch inside, then I say that I'm maxed and go about resetting our meeting for another day, or wrap it up once the person feels truly heard.

Finding an empathy buddy is a selective process. Not everyone qualifies. It is my job to not expect everyone to drop what they are doing because I need them to. We all suffer. We all find inner courage in bits and pieces. To expect any one person (even a therapist) to fill the bill is unrealistic in my experience.