Some things are quite poignant to me. But I've pretty much decided that I want to be alone.

Not just because it makes things a lot easier. I am the outcast pretty much where ever I go. I can never seem to really fit in any where. And I'm not just talking about my own inability to connect with others - though that definitely plays a big part in it all - I just cringe at opening up any more.

Maybe I just feel numb cause I feel so depressed, too. But I just don't really have much ambition or energy for relationships any more.

It still kind of hurts some times, though. But I just can't seem to or even WANT to tear down those barriers any more.

The problem I have is, spending so much time alone, it tends to make my negative thinking worse and spirals down.

I'm sad today I admit. I'm sad at it all. But I just can't do this any more. And as I was saying, it's not just my inability to connect with people, but I get no pleasure or fulfillment from relationships.

And it's not just my depression like someone tried to point out to me. It goes much deeper than that. But I just really feel like I can't deal with people any more.

In a way, it makes me sad. But I feel like that's the hand I've been dealt. And really the way I feel is, I'd much rather suffer aloneness and long for it than to really have it (I'm talking about ever finding 'the one').