I'm not feeling judgmental of you at all. I think you were traumatized by the rape and are acting according to the fall-out of that trauma.

As for grieving over your ex, who wouldn't? I'll be 55 in a couple of weeks and when I think of the guys I was in love with (and I was truly in love) when I was between 16 and 21, it still hurts...believe it or not! I mean, I no longer spend time grieving the ends of those relationships, but yeah...it still stings.

I'm glad you're in therapy, even if it doesn't feel particularly helpful right now.

Keep working and keep believing that there's hope, because truly, there IS hope for you and for your life. I promise you that. (((HUGS)))